A Mother's Day Mess

There are no ordinary days….and then there are days….you know the ones that surprise you, startle you, reveal the mess of your emotions, and that's what Mother's Day was like for me this year. My mind had been musing these past few days on a blog post I wanted to write to honor of my mother. She passed away three years ago, and each year I do things in her memory. My intentions were to compile a list on how her legacy lives on, but pain took over and with it came a surprising perspective.

It all started with the morning scroll. Yes, I was doing the Facebook thing…seeing all the pictures posted with everyone and their mom. The news feed was full of them, and a wave of sorrow just flooded me. I couldn't control the tears as reality revealed the pain of knowing she was no longer with us. So many life events she wouldn't be a part of. No current pictures to show of the two of us. How my heart hurt. The pain was real.

A wave of sorrow just flooded me….the pain was real

I'm usually not an emotional person, at least in the crying sense, but I stepped into the shower and couldn't contain it any longer. I wept. Tears of sorrow. I told God "I need you to love on me today cause I'm hurting. I'm missing my mom so deeply, and the pain is just too real. The reality hurts. Please love on me today. I need you to love me." Its not that I doubted HIS love. I just needed to be overtaken in it.

'Please love on me today...'

I'm so grateful I can be vulnerable like that with God because its hard for me to be that way with many people, and He whispered back "I have brought many people to love on you. Let them." So, I continued the rest of the morning getting ready. Sprayed a dash of my mother's perfume when my husband came in shortly after. He noticed right away and said "That's your Mom's perfume I smell." I broke down crying again. Ugggh…too many tears. I shared my heart with him as he wrapped his arms around me and embraced my pain.

We drove to church. Upon arrival, I couldn't make it in the building. More tears. "No one needs to see me this way," I thought. I'm sad. I'm broken. In perfect timing, I received a text from a friend "Happy Mother's Day to my very best amazing friend! So blessed by you and I know your family is too".

Another moment of love. Thank you God. I texted her back with thanks for our lifelong friendship and shared it was a rough morning. She embraced my pain even though she couldn't imagine and said something so profound "Celebrating you and your mom today because there is so much of her in you and your kids." I pulled myself together and walked into church grateful even when broken.

Celebrating you and your Mom today because there is so much of her in you and your kids.

Service has started and worship had begun…so very bittersweet, yet healing as we sang the words "You're a good, good Father. Its who You are. Its who You are. And I'm loved by You….its who I am. Its who I am". Worship in His presence was medicine to my soul as I offered a sacrifice of praise in the midst of pain. More love, yes love in the midst of worship.

Worship in His presence was medicine to my soul

It was shortly after that time of worship that I began to look around and see people. Not through my eyes, but His. I was seeing other people's stories, remembering they too had pain, sorrow and grief. It was as if the Holy Spirit was giving me a list of those who I should reach out to and love on today. Galations 6:2 says to 'Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.' The Lord was repositioning my eyes from my own pain and refocusing them on others. I agreed to the list He gave me and made time to reach out to those people. The most powerful reality hit me that as I loved on others in their pain, I too was being ministered in my pain. God makes beauty from our ashes. I love His ways.

The Lord was repositioning my eyes from my own pain and refocusing them on others.

Service concluded, and God wasn't done with me yet. Here comes God with a human hand...another overwhelming moment of love as a sweet lady from church surprised me with the most beautiful, unexpected gift. She sat me down and poured into me words of appreciation I didn't expect to hear. I cried. The ugly cry and thanked her. I told her I was having an emotional day, and she wrapped her arms around to love on me.

Here comes God with a human hand

Her thoughtfulness to think of me on this day was God's love wrapped in this gorgeous box decorated with handmade repurposed coffee bag remnants from our business made into ribbon and tastefully adorned with beautiful golden, pearl like buttons. Thoughtful, inspiring, I didn't even need to open it as just the gesture was enough, but we continued to share the moment together as I carefully opened the box from one end.

God's love wrapped in this gorgeous box

Out came a gift I will forever treasure displaying the legacy of my family. A wooden cutting board that had been inscribed with the date of my wedding anniversary, the letter F, our family name, Flosky, and then each of our first names. What a perfect reminder of the life I had been blessed with. I couldn't be more grateful as I hugged and thanked her over and over. God's love overwhelming me once again.

I learned so much from this day. A day that seemed to begin so painfully. A day that at first I wondered how I would make it through, but God's loving faithfulness took over and here's what I takeaway:

• God is faithful. His promises are true. He meets us in our most vulnerable place. As I opened my heart to Him, he came in and picked up the broken pieces
• God is one step ahead. He knew what the day would bring and made provisions to meet me in this day.
• God never intended for us to walk through this life alone. He brings us people to hold our hands, uplift our arms and embrace us in our deepest time of need.
• God wants to use our pain to minister to others. Your pain can be a testimony and encouragement to others who are hurting. Take the journey with others. Don't walk it alone.
• God is love. Its His nature, its His core, its who He is and I am so very loved by Him. Its who I am and what He wants me to be….love.

As I reflect back on this mess of a not so ordinary day, I'm grateful for the journey that is teaching me so much. Grateful to God for His love. Grateful for the people He has brought into my life. I'm truly overwhelmed.

To my mother, Joanne, words can describe how deeply I miss you. I appreciate you more now than I ever have before. I can't wait to see you again. Forever in my heart.