Jersey vacations take me back to a time of ease where we looked forward to Tasty Cakes in the bread drawer, jersey corn and swimming in the pool. Countless walks up to Sheeters, a penny candy store in town after we had collected all the loose change in every nook, cranny and drawer around my grandparent's house. For a reward, each of us got a quarter which went a long way as we picked out our favorite sweets to fill a small, brown bag. Cigarette gum sticks, tootsie rolls, swedish fish and shoelace licorice were a few I enjoyed.
Vacations in Jersey were enjoyable with lots of time playing with the cousins. In particular, I remember the park across the street where we as kids would play on the swings, tall slides, monkey bars and the merry go round. Its hard to find a merry go round now a days. Probably because there were too many accidents on those things. However, just the other day I found one. What a delight to spin my own children round and round and see the smiles on their faces. It also helped navigate my next train of thought for this blog.
Oh the merry go round where everyone ventures to stand, sit or hold on for dear life. For the more daring, brace your legs and be hands free to take the thrill to whole new level. Faster, FASTER is encouraged by all as one or maybe two spin it round and round before letting go or jumping on to join in the fun. Can you feel it? Have you experienced it? The thrill of the merry go round.
One time in particular when it was my turn to be the spinner. I was giving it my all. Running as fast as I could round and round to the delight of the riders. In a split second, my whole momentum changed and instead of hopping on to enjoy the ride, I slipped and landed right on my stomach and got the wind knocked out of me. It was the strangest sensation. I wasn't quite sure what to do at that moment. As I struggled to get up, I remember trying to talk and not being able to. Seconds that seemed to last for eternity as I waited for the breathe to return to me. It wasn't a pleasant feeling at all, and definitely not one I wanted to experience again.
Life is a lot like that incident on the merry go round. As we live life with relationships, job opportunities, following our dreams or the call on our life, we too may get the wind knocked out of us. Opposition that will challenge what we are made of or a blow to the very core of our being. Seasons where we feel like the very breath we have is being taken right out of us. Those are some painful times that can define how we approach and live life. We stagger trying to catch our breath, evaluating what just took place and left in wonder of what just happened. We then began to choose to ride again or walk away because of the pain.
This past summer, I had a relational conflict that literally emotionally knocked the wind out of me. It completely took me by surprise, and it hurt to the core. My character was misjudged leaving me feeling mishandled and mistreated. It hurt deeply and for weeks I felt completely shattered. I was staggering around heartbroken. I was gasping for breath trying to figure out what just hit me. I must have replayed the moment in my mind a million times. Seriously, a million! Rehashing what was said and how I was treated. So many questions of why and so many feelings that I didn't want to feel. Feelings of anger, self pity, resentment, frustration were a few. I'm not sure I can put into words all that I felt. I just knew it hurt. The pain was real, and I needed my wind back.
How do we get our wind back?What do we do with these moments or better yet how de we respond to perilous times? We just commerated the 14th anniversary of the September 11 attack. A time where our nation was blinded sided as a terrorist plan unveiled before our eyes and left our nation in disbelief, horror, helplessness and fear while thousands died. And though we can never take away the reality of that very, awful day, it was a time we began to see and experience what our nation was made of. Land of the free and home of the brave as many displayed their patriotism. People gathered to help clean up the rumble. Candle light vigils, benefit concerts, displays of the American flag began to erupt all across the nation. Many flooded the church looking for hope and peace in a time where fear was rampant in so many hearts. Even though the years have gone by, we have vowed to never forget. It has forever changed our lives and the core of our nation.
In the same way, I had to look at myself and realize what I was made of. Would I allow a day, a moment to define me? Would I give in to whatever others thought or said about me? Would I take a look and evaluate myself where I missed it? What would my future look like?
All I can say is its a process. An ongoing process, where we allow the Lord to come in and heal our hearts, speak to our spirit and move us forward. It requires forgiveness, admission and a willingness to learn when you just want to sit and feel sorry for yourself. At least that has been my journey…..
In the most realness of these moments, I rested in the fact that my hope is in the Lord. My confidence is in Him. I got to the arms of Jesus and just let Him love me. Love me in my brokeness. Love me in my weakness. I literally talk to Him in the rawest form possible. Pouring out on Him my grief, my sorrow, my pain. Holding nothing back because HE already knows my feelings. The amazing part is that as I bear my soul to Him an exchange takes place. A beautiful exchange of love that says He understands. He is there. He is listening, and He cares.
As I feel safe, secure, overwhelmed by His gentleness to care for me, I was able take the next step to go back to the moment that was so painful. Introspection....looking at myself. This can be so difficult and painful, but I always try to look and ask 'What do I need to change? What could I have done differently? What did I learn from that painful moment?' I never want to imagine that I am not at all responsible for a moment that took place in my life. Somehow I got here, and I need to understand how and why. Self examination which has often for me lead to repentance.
Sifting…..seperating the truth from the chaff. What was truth in that situation? What was not? Understanding that just because someone says something about you doesn't make it truth. I really struggled with this one. My husband just plainly asked me "Is it true? Are you what they say you are? Did you do what they said you did? If no, then let it go."
Forgive and forgive again. Whether its yourself, whether its others. Forgiveness is so vital to the healing process of living and breathing again. We cannot hold on to the wrongs that have taken place in our life and expect to move forward. It will hold us captive until we fully release any weight of unforgiveness. I'm not willing to hold on to any weights and carry them for the rest of my life. I want to be free.
We must never forget. There is always a lesson to be learned. That is what life is. An ongoing classroom experience through the highs and lows of life that can determine our future course. I want to ever be a student, learning, growing and becoming the full person of who God has called me to be.
So the next time, life knocks the wind out of you, recognize its just a moment. Realize, you can get back up. Remember, you will breathe again and do yourself a favor, get back on the merry go round! Life is too short to let it take your breath away! Enjoy the ride friends!
